#20: Oh my god, Rachel Weisz is giving off the best vibe. This is the vibe I want.
Somehow, before a few hours ago, I had never seen Hollywood classic The Mummy, a 1999 action-adventure film based on a 1932 movie with the same name. So, I decided to watch it and document my thoughts along the way.
Here are 121 thoughts I had while watching The Mummy for the first time.
Okay, we’re starting out with cheesy shots of ancient Egypt. I’m in!
A narrator! I did not expect that.
Forgive me if this is a stupid question, which I suspect it is, but did people in ancient Egypt really paint themselves gold? I feel like I’d definitely remember that, but perhaps not.
Whoa, she straight stabbed him in the back! This is fun.
The subtitle font is…not good. But very in-tone not good, which is great.
Oh my god, she stabbed herself!
I can’t imagine living a life where not a single man other than the person I’m with can touch me. Like logistically, that’s a nightmare. What if you bump into some guy on your way to the pyramid? She’s like, “Well, time to stab myself.”
The narrator is doing so much exposition work, it’s hilarious.
Oh my god, mummified alive??? Jesus Christ.
And this poor guy gets his tongue cut off!
Okay, so this movie is, like, trying to be scary.
Yeah, no, I’m not down with bugs being put on this person who has been mummified alive. That’s not fun times.
This set-up is seven minutes. That is so long.
Very dramatic title card!
This all feels very 1999, in the best way.
Brendan Fraser is all about the hair.
It’s interesting; this movie is too violent to be a kids’ movie, but it’s that kind of tone. Movies aren’t really like this these days, and I wish they were.
Oh, this face in the sand is great.
Now we’re three years later, so The Mummy starts with two flashbacks. LOL.
Oh my god, Rachel Weisz is giving off the best vibe. This is the vibe I want.
That bit with the ladder and all of the bookshelves falling was very fun.
“Compared to you, the other plagues were a joy” is an A+ burn.
Why doesn’t her boss care how long it takes her to fix the library? That seems short-sighted and said in frustration.
Hello John Hannah! Very excited to have you here.
What if the live mummifications with bugs were the funeral in Four Weddings and a Funeral?
Rachel Weisz is rocking that wonky tie.
This exposition in the scene about the map between Rachel Weisz, John Hannah, and Rachel Weisz’s boss is very clunky.
Wow, I was so wrong to mention Brendan Fraser’s hair before because holy shit. He is now ’80s heartthrob hair with a person attached.
What the fuck, Brendan Fraser?! He just tricked Rachel Weisz and kissed her without her consent. Nope.
Brendan Fraser’s wearing a loose white vest for his execution, which is, to quote Tatianna, “a choice.”
Oh, the hair-shaped waterfall hair is gone now! I do not miss it.
“I think I’ll kill you.” “Think of my children!” “You don’t have any children.” “Someday I might.” Amazing.
Brendan Fraser threw Beni off the boat! He’s very no-holds-barred.
Jesus Christ, this man showing up in Rachel Weisz’s room is not enjoyable.
Also, there is now a fire on a boat, which seems ill-advised.
That being said, this boat fully caught on fire way too quickly.
Brendan Fraser was such a great, interesting casting choice for this role.
Amazing that they, like, lost everything in the boat fire, and also had to swim, but John Hannah’s money in his wallet is fine.
Rachel Weisz and Brendan Fraser are sharing a lot of looks. And a horse/camel chase scene is not really the time, folks.
He’s nailing the “I have a crush on her” acting though.
Oh no, they’ve arrived where the mummies are, and suddenly there’s a lot of bug noise. Nope.
They’re really harming this ancient structure. Maybe leave it alone.
Blue gold? Is that a thing?
And we have our first resurrected mummy!!! Exciting stuff.
Why is John Hannah, like, golfing right now in this tomb area? Why did he bring something to act as a put? How bonkers.
Oh my god, the blue gold pieces are bugs/have bugs in them. Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. I am so not down with bug stuff.
Oh my god, the bug is in his skin! That is horrible. Hard no.
Three of the American diggers were melted with acid! Oof!
LOL, yes, John Hannah, “Maybe this place really is cursed.” I think he’s on to something exceptionally obvious there.
Very funny moment of John Hannah drinking and casually shooting his gun during an impromptu battle that’s happening.
Am I supposed to be attracted to Brendan Fraser? I can’t tell if I am.
Um, okay, Rachel Weisz and John Hannah’s mother was Egyptian, so, I guess she was one of those white Egyptians, I fucking hope.
LOL, Brendan Fraser’s name is Rick. That’s not his name.
Also dude, good thing Rachel Weisz passed out, because she is far too drunk to kiss you. You should not have been willing to have that happen.
Everything in this movie, including the writings on a cursed chest, are so clear. Like, they’re so explicitly saying, “This thing is cursed. Do not open this. Do not be stupid and open this. If you open this, you will die a horrific death.”
If you see a 3,000-year-old mummy that’s still “juicy,” leave the premises.
Writing “Death is only the beginning” with your fingernails on the door of the box you’ve been buried alive in is such a power move.
All these people are terrible people. Leave this stuff alone. It’s not yours. And it’s rejecting you.
My eyes just fully widened at “[These bugs] can stay alive for years feasting on the flesh of a corpse.”
This movie is so fun. It’s the kind of movie you can watch both at 10 a.m. and 2 a.m.
OMG, the juicy mummy has been resurrected!
Oh no, bugs now. A giant swarm of bugs.
Oh, it’s the plague of locusts! That’s great.
I think everything’s awake, and we’re now in the full thriller/scary section of the movie.
No, more bugs!!! Ugh, I hate it. 100% give me movie snakes over movie bugs.
“Now you may have killed us all, for you have unleashed a creature that we have feared for more than 3,000 years.” “Relax. I got him.” The hubris of Brendan Fraser.
Oh, the mummy man is the mummy of the movie’s title!
I thought the princess was ~The Mummy~ though. I’m sure me in an hour will have all the answers.
I love the way this mummy is rendered. It’s the perfect mix of scary and camp.
If I had seen this movie when I was younger than 11, it would have played a huge part in forming my identity.
Wait, I know it must have been brief, but the mummy walked around the town just wearing a mask? Amazing.
Brendan Fraser holding out two guns and shooting a mummy is so dumb and perfect.
I feel like these non-Brendan-Fraser Americans have gotten way more American.
I do not like the autonomy Brendan Fraser often steals from Rachel Weisz, like lifting her up, putting her in a room, and locking the door while she protests. Not okay.
Jesus Christ, so many fucking bugs. Calm down with the bugs.
The blond American man annoys me a lot, and I don’t know what it is about him specifically.
It’s okay; he’s dead now.
The bug crawling through the holes in the mummy’s face is fantastic. That’s a bug moment I can get on board with.
How is Rachel Weisz asleep when the mummy goes to her room? How is she able to sleep at all right now?
God, now the mummy kisses her! WHILE SHE IS ASLEEP! What is it with the non-consensual kisses in this movie?
Why don’t they have the cat with them right now? Carry the cat with you everywhere you go!
I just realized I think I know absolutely nothing about Brendan Fraser’s past. That’s a cool choice.
“If he turns me into a mummy, you’re the first one I’m coming after.” Wonderful. Completely wonderful.
Everybody is so obsessed with Rachel Weisz, which, like, fair, but also, it’s weird.
The mummy has taken Rachel Weisz! It’s time for some high-level scrappy scoundrel action from Brenden “The Fras” Fraser.
Wait, what? How are Brendan Fraser and John Hannah totally fine in this next scene? They were just running from the hypnotized(?) mob, and seconds later, it’s the next day, and they’re out in the desert totally cool.
We’ve been on foot, on horses/camels, on a boat, in a car, and now we’re in a plane. That’s awesome.
This movie knows exactly what it is the whole time.
I love the sand chasing the plane.
Oh, and now the mummy’s face in the sand, too! Yes!
Another weird kiss. Rachel Weisz just kissed the mummy to distract him. So many weird kisses.
Of course, there’s quicksand! Of course, this movie has quicksand! God, of course, this movie has quicksand. This is what I mean when I say The Mummy knows exactly what it is.
Oh no, I’m so sorry, John Hannah, one of the bugs is in you.
But Brendan Fraser cut it out! Take that, bug.
I think I’m attracted to Brendan Fraser in this.
Holy shit, there’s a lot of treasure in Hamunaptra! National Treasure 100000000% copied this.
Where are they getting all these bullets? It’s always a million bullets.
How is Rachel Weisz not screaming her lungs out? She is tied down and surrounded by mummies who plan on killing her, and she’s sort of chill.
How much time has passed in the present day section of The Mummy? I have no idea. Is it, like, three days or four months?
Wow, killing mummies with an explosive! That feels so American, LOL.
The princess wakes up next to Rachel Weisz, and now she’s screaming! That is a proper reaction.
Also, LOVE John Hannah yelling at her that he found the book right as the mummy’s going to kill her. LOVE that.
Did Brendan Fraser just cut the chains tying Rachel Weisz down with a passionate wielding of a sword? I don’t think chains are that easy to cut, my guy.
Brendan Fraser is so good in this, people.
Oh, the lone mummy hand crawling to the sword is impeccable!
So many people were buried here. I mean hundreds.
Why can the mummies jump like that? I don’t like mummies jumping a few feet higher than humans are able to.
Yes, Brendan Fraser riding an underground pulley rope up in a fight with mummies! That is what I want from this movie, and it delivers.
Imagine being these mummies and you come back to life after thousands of years only to be burned to death or stabbed by some white dude with a lot of hair.
No, they killed the princess again! That sucks.
Wow, some non-living ghost chariots just showed up to take the mummy away! That was a different visual than the movie established.
But the mummy is really defeated by Brendan Fraser stabbing him, which was a great way to have Rachel Weisz do her book thing but also have the protagonist — Brendan Fraser — be the one to deliver the climax.
Yeah, the chariots made the mummy mortal. He’s gonna die now.
Oh whoa, yeah, I don’t know what’s happening to him, but he’s turning back into a mummy inside some liquid. Okay, cool.
Caves or tombs in movies always end up crumbling down. I get why that needs to happen story-wise, but, like, come on.
Goodbye, Beni. You’re trapped in there, and that sucks.
Oh no, so many bugs are coming after Beni!
Oh god, the sound effects of his death by bugs were revolting.
Jesus, Hamunaptra is destroyed, and there’s a fucking gigantic sand explosion.
I have to say, this ending kiss between Rachel Weisz and Brendan Fraser is a great movie kiss. Aces.
And Rachel Weisz, Brendan Fraser, and John Hannah ride off into the sunset on camels! A perfect ending.